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Coffin Conversations - by dementia

 
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Sexy Morticians

December 5th 2007 15:14
Barton, 22, is "Mr. March" in the 2008 Men of Mortuaries calendar. The calendar's catch phrase: "These are just a few of the things that we do with our suits off."

"I'm kind of shy about it," said Barton, who is pictured in cowboy hat and jeans, but no shirt, standing next to a horse. "But my family all think it's great."

Friends and family have all got a good laugh out of his selection for the calendar, Barton said. His grandmother, with whom he's living while he takes a year off from school, keeps the calendar in a prominent location in the hallway, always turned to his picture. He has to pass it every morning.


Barton, a Lexington native, was one of 14 men selected for the 2008 Men of Mortuaries calendar. A spin-off of the traditional "hunks" calendars, it features funeral directors and morticians from across the country.

A student at the Dallas Institute of Funeral Service, Barton was at school one day when a secretary got a brochure seeking applicants for the calendar. She told him he was entering. He was surprised when he made the first cut for 25 semifinalists. Then the applicants' real work began: dieting, exercising and tanning, so they didn't look like corpses. The calendar hopefuls were up against some stiff competition for the final 14 spots.

"I didn't want to lose," he said, "and I'd never been to California" where the shoot was held.

The farm boy started working out two to three hours every other day to build muscle. Some of the competitors had to lose weight, but Barton needed to put some on. He gained about 10 pounds for the shoot.

"My friends and I go out and they tell all the girls 'Hey, he's Mr. March in the dead people calendar,"' he said.

The calendar debuted in 2007. It was started by Ken McKenzie, of Long Beach, Calif., who also appears in its pages. All proceeds from the calendar's sale go to KAMM Cares, a nonprofit foundation started by McKenzie in honor of his sister, a breast cancer survivor.


The foundation gives grants to women who need financial help for such necessities as child care or groceries during their treatment. McKenzie was awarded the Outstanding Funeral Director of California award this year in recognition of his charity work for the foundation and other causes.

Barton's grandmother also is a cancer survivor.

"I get a lot of ridicule out of this whole thing from my friends, but it's been worth it," Barton said. "Everybody has known somebody that has been touched by breast cancer, and this is for a good cause."

McKenzie also wanted to change the stereotype about funeral home directors.

"We're not all gray-haired with a hump on our backs," he said.

Barton has been the most popular of the models in the 2008 calendar, McKenzie said.

"I don't know about that," Barton said. "In California, it was a big whoop and holler because I'm a cowboy and was in my boots and jeans. They don't see that, but here in Oklahoma it's no big deal."

I want to see that calendar. Even scans will do!

via Fox News
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Designer Coffins

February 12th 2007 15:43
We all our want our funerals to be special. Uh, I'm assuming this. I'm sure you don't want your body to just be dumped in a filthy canal. Right? Well, a couple of companies are now catering to those who want their burial to be extra special. For this post, I will discuss the emerging trend that is designer coffins.

Companies such as Oxford Coffins, Vic Fearn Co. Ltd and Uono are the big names in designer coffins.

"Whatever design bereaved relatives have in mind we will do our very best to accommodate them," said John Gill of Vic Fearn Co. Ltd.

The trend is just starting in the UK and is catching on in the US. However, I don't think this will really catch on because it borders on tackiness. Hmmm. I think some of these designs would appeal to red necks. Just take a gander at these.

God save the queen


For football hooligans?


These are some of the fine creations of Oxford Coffins. Vic Fearn's concepts are even crazier.

Yes, that's a coffin


This is so wrong. Lol


Uomo has a more modern approach. Their coffins are also biodegradable which will appeal to tree huggers and the environmentally-conscious. This also means that you will be worm food much faster than normal.

Cocoon. That's the name. Seriously!


There has always been a business for custom-made coffins but it's only now that they're being mass marketed. This is a niche market though because customization is mostly for the monied class. Hell, here in my third world country, some coffins are reused. How's that for recycling?

I guess you can somehow say these coffins are works of art. Definitely conversation pieces. However, I think that if you get one these for your funeral so you will be remembered, the center of attention wouldn't be on the dead (YOU!) but on the coffin itself. You wouldn't want that, would you?

Sources:
Artbuilders
ABC
Born Rich
Trend Hunter
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So You Want To Be A Mortician

December 22nd 2006 21:57
Sorry for the brief hiatus. I had to tidy up my grave a bit.

Since I'm back, I will present you with steps on a wonderful and always in-demand career. Most probably you have to spend most of your working hours in a dank basement but since you will be handling the dead, it is very rewarding. Just pray to the gods that you won't be handling a loved one cos that would like really suck.

your working environment! LULZ!!!
So how does one become a mortician?
1. You should be comfortable with dead bodies (Duh). You also need to be emotionally stable for this job. The latter makes me unqualified. Damnit!
2. There are prerequisites depending on what country and state you live in. In the US for example, you have to go to a mortuary school and some states require that you should have a high school diploma or an AA degree before you can be accepted in one. In the third world country where I live in, the only requirements are a strong stomach, good knowledge in anatomy, and two hands. Just kidding. Or am I? Mortuary school isn't for the dumb. It involves different kinds of science, business, and ethics. Yes, you need a conscience to become one.
3. Take the mortician licenscure exam. Not applicable in my country I think.
4. Let your fingers do the walking. Look for a funeral parlor in your area and apply for internship. The internship would take 3 months to a year.
5. If the funeral home likes your service then you're all set. If not, you will need to go job hunting unless you want to waste the time, money and effort you invested on this career path.

Now that you know the steps, do you have what it takes to become a good mortician? If you don't, you can always try to become a hearse driver.

BTW, some morticians prefer to be called "funeral directors" but I like the word mortician better.

For more information regarding this topic, check out the ff. links:
American Board of Funeral Service Education
An Interview with a MorticianYour text goes here
Mortuary Schools
National Academy of Mortuary Science - cool! you can study mortuary at home. Start betting on ebay for cadavers!
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Are You An Aspiring Hearse Driver

December 12th 2006 13:11
...or just curious about driving for the dead? This post is for you because you will end up riding one someday. Hopefully not soon.

horse-drawn
Hearse driving has been with us for ages. Transporting the dead used to involve horses and carts but through industrialization, motorized hearses came about. Popular makers of modern hearses are Ford, Cadillac, Lincoln, Mercedes Benz, Volvo, Jaguar, and Opel. Maybe in Japan, they have souped up hearses. Or flying ones. In Venice, the hearses are special since our regular hearses would sink in their canals. Venicians use a modified boat which sort of resembles a hearse.

copyright by Philip Greenspun (http://philip.greenspun.com/)


Cool, ain't it? Motorcyle hearses are becoming popular now even though they were invented during the early 1900's. IMHO, they're butt ugly. I wouldn't be caught dead inside one of those. Har har. Seriously, I don't know why it's becoming popular. It's so...confining.



Choosing this as a profession is not too easy. First of all, you have to have a strong stomach. This job entails retrieval of the newly dead, some of them very bloody and gory. Second, you should never forget to secure the coffin. NEVER. I'm telling you, you wouldn't want them rolling around. Third, you need to be patient. Funeral marches are excruciatingly slow while body retrievals should be done swiftly. Remember that episode in Six Feet Under when Nate left a body in the sun for too long and it started to bloat and smell?

Hearse driving isn't just for the dead serious. There are a number of hearse enthusiasts all over the world and they use it as their normal mode of transport. For me, it's a status symbol for goths and so i want one. Parking would be a killer though.

If you want to know more about hearses and driving them, I suggest you visit these sites:
Grim Rides
Hearse Driver
Phantom Coaches
Tombstone Hearse
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